This is primarily a running blog, so this may, at first, seem a bit out of place. But they tell me that running is 90% mental and only 10% physical. I'm not sure about those figures, but I will quote a pilot friend of mine who once told me that "Attitude determines altitude." And if that is true, the past few days I've been skimming the trees.
Back on Saturday, I had a great run and was feeling pretty good about life. Some days it seems like every time I get to feeling good, life has to stick it's nose in. Most of the time, I just ignore it and move on. But since Saturday, it has just gotten under my skin and I feel whiny today. Someone told me I should keep my blog real and so here you are reading about my whininess.
So, setting this up, the past 8 days or so have been a struggle with my emotions and clear thought for a variety of reasons. Last Monday, I was feeling pretty good and was kinda up on life. Tuesday I was so far down in the dumps that I didn't even want to get out of bed. Wednesday, things felt almost even and then the slow, sinking decent began.
Things were going downhill. By Friday, I was such a wreck that I barely ate and was barely drinking my water, too. With a lot of prayer and help, I made it through the day. Now part of what has had me so stressed out has been a class I have been taking.
Since last year, I have been taking courses through Global University School of Ministry and I've been doing very well. Eight 1 month long courses a year designed to prepare a student, education-wise, for ministry. Last year's coursework behind me and this year's started off well enough. I've maintained straight A's through last month's test. But the first problem came up when they had to order the materials for this month's test. For over 2 weeks, I worried about the book arriving. Finally, 14 days before the test, I received my materials and started studying.
So last week, I decided I needed to dedicate the time I usually spend cross-training in order to get through the coursework. I spent a lot of time studying and trying to get ready. It wasn't easy with the emotional roller coaster and mental fuzziness I was experiencing and that came to a head Friday night. I tried to study, but in the end, there was just too much material to cover in the time I had and I ended up calling it a night, so that I could get up early and run and then go to OKC for the test.
Saturday morning started off great and I had a great run (See the previous blog post for details). But it was only a brief respite from this downhill I've been on. Finally, I got done with my run, got to OKC and took my test. I didn't do very good. It didn't help my mood. Trying to fast forward through the rest of this morass, I wallowed in my self-pity the rest of the day. Sunday services were good, but between services, I found out that one of my running friends totalled her car. I think that hit me harder than I expected. I've been tracing back through my own wreck 13 years ago when I rolled my big rig since then. I thought I'd put that behind me. After Sunday night service, I tried to go home and rest, but rest was elusive. Finally, I fell off into a fitful sleep. Waking up this morning, I actually did not want to go to work -- this has not happened to me since I started here and it isn't because of work, but just because I had no desire to face the day. Finally getting the day started, I started thinking about some of the things I've done and said in the past. Things that I regret how they came out. Things that have cost me dearly. I have tried, especially in the past few years, to live my life without regret. But there is one thing that I wish I had said differently.
I was given a couple of visions from God a couple of years ago, one and then the other. The first one was that I was to run the Ironman in Kona. The second, well, it was more private. I was once asked how I would chose between my training for the Ironman or this other. I said that while it would devastatingly break my heart, I would have to go with the first thing God told me to do. I thought it was right to do what God said. I have only realized after the fact that my real answer is that I would pray for guidance and do what God directed me to do then. For if I had done that, I would have realized that God often tells us to do something to motivate us to better ourselves, then gives us further direction that may change what we thought He first told us.
It's like the sickly young man who God told to push against the boulder. Years and years later, the man saw God and bowed his head, saying, "Lord, I have failed you." God looks at the man and says, "In what way have you failed me, my son?" The man, continuing to look down, points to the rock and says, "Lord, I have not moved that rock even one inch in all the time you have told me to push against it." God smiles a reassuring smile and says, "My son, I never told you to move it. Only to push against it. And look at what you have become for your effort. You are strong, your muscles are bulging. You are tanned from being outside. You are no longer sickly but healthy. You have not failed Me."
Maybe now that I have gotten this out, I can start my uphill climb. I sure hope so. The view from the valley is rather limited.
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